{"id":703,"date":"2023-03-02T09:16:09","date_gmt":"2023-03-02T06:16:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/?p=703"},"modified":"2023-03-02T09:16:11","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T06:16:11","slug":"hadi-bakalim-2022nin-izlerine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/02\/hadi-bakalim-2022nin-izlerine\/","title":{"rendered":"Hadi bakal\u0131m 2022\u2019nin izlerine\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Evet bir anda geride kald\u0131 ve h\u0131zla 2023\u2019e girdik\u2026 Hala korona izlerini ta\u015f\u0131yor olmas\u0131ndan m\u0131 acaba b\u00f6yle h\u0131zla bir kenara at\u0131l\u0131vermesi? Her halukarda, bir de\u011ferlendirme ve tesbit yapmak, bir helalle\u015fmek koskoca 365 g\u00fcne boynumuzun borcu.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu y\u0131l ya\u015fananlar aras\u0131nda elbette vard\u0131, evet kafamdan zaten hi\u00e7 \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131, ama \u015fu an yazmaya ba\u015flarken fark ettim ki 2022, esas\u0131nda benim i\u00e7in Sinem\u2019in \u00f6ld\u00fc\u011f\u00fc y\u0131l. Her k\u0131sa bak\u0131\u015f\u0131n, her \u00f6zetin sonucu bu: Bu y\u0131l Sinem \u00f6ld\u00fc. Ben de biraz bundan, bu 2022 yaz\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 yazmakta aya\u011f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm. Ama -g\u00f6nderme de yerinde ya- korkunun ecele faydas\u0131 yok, bir y\u0131l bir y\u0131ld\u0131r, g\u00f6zden ge\u00e7irilecek, de\u011ferlendirilecek, art\u0131s\u0131 eksisiyle rafa kald\u0131r\u0131lacak\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y\u0131l biz bir kez daha koronadan kurtulmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken ba\u015flad\u0131. Biraz Erciyes\u2019te kayak yapt\u0131msa da kara, so\u011fu\u011fa doyamad\u0131m. Bakt\u0131m g\u00f6nl\u00fcmde yatan Bali de hala korona k\u0131s\u0131tlamalar\u0131yla dolu, dedim ya \u00e7ok egzotik, ya tam k\u0131\u015fl\u0131k bir yer bulmak laz\u0131m k\u0131\u015f inzivas\u0131 i\u00e7in. Ve Prag kazand\u0131! Daha \u00f6nce orada ya\u015fayan arkada\u015f\u0131m\u0131n anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi, Prag inan\u0131lmaz g\u00fczel ve m\u00fcthi\u015f ya\u015fanabilir bir yer. Ben bu kadar uygar, bu kadar g\u00fczellik ve sanat dolu, bu kadar suyu \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131\u015f bir pop\u00fcler Avrupa kenti g\u00f6rmedim. Tam bir ay bile yetmedi Prag\u2019\u0131n manzaralar\u0131na, mimarisine, konser ve operalar\u0131na, yemeklerine, kafelerine, Vltava\u2019s\u0131na doymama. Umar\u0131m ilerde ba\u015fka f\u0131rsatlar da olur, so\u011fuk karl\u0131 g\u00fczelim tarihi Prag sokaklar\u0131nda dolanmak i\u00e7in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ben oradayken, Rusya Ukrayna\u2019y\u0131 i\u015fgal ederek kuca\u011f\u0131m\u0131za nurtopu gibi bir yeni \u2018sava\u015f ve iltica ve sefalet cephesi\u2019 att\u0131. Hala s\u00fcren bu sava\u015ftan kim, ne kazan\u0131yor, bir d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek gerek\u2026 Tarihte bir kez daha imparatorlu\u011fun \u00fccra k\u00f6\u015felerinde sava\u015fmaya zorlanan Rus askerler, hayatlar\u0131 alt\u00fcst olan Ukraynal\u0131lar en ba\u015fta elbette, sava\u015f\u0131n ucu uzaklara kadar de\u011fiyor. Misal zaten agresif bir evsahibi olan Rusya\u2019n\u0131n s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131na girerek Altaylar\u2019a, Yakutistan\u2019a falan gitmek s\u00f6zkonusu olamaz bu ko\u015fullarda\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu durumda y\u0131ll\u0131k seyahat rotalar\u0131 ne tarafa d\u00f6nd\u00fc? \u00d6nce genel geli\u015fmeler: Yeni m\u00fc\u015ftemilat\u0131m \u2018kutuev\u2019e ge\u00e7ici de olsa yerle\u015fen Meryemcim epey bir rahatl\u0131k vermi\u015fti (yaz\u0131n kal\u0131c\u0131 olarak gidene kadar), hem bu rahatl\u0131\u011f\u0131n, hem son bar\u0131nak evlad\u0131m\u0131z Zelda\u2019n\u0131n delili\u011finin biraz durulmas\u0131 sayesinde, minnak bir k\u00f6pek aray\u0131\u015f\u0131m devam etti ve baharda nihayet sokaklardan kurtar\u0131lm\u0131\u015f bir tatl\u0131 Schatzi ile bulu\u015ftuk. Minik oldu\u011fu kadar e\u011flenceli ve ak\u0131ll\u0131 olan bu d\u00f6rd\u00fcnc\u00fc \u00e7ocu\u011fumuz h\u0131zla eve ve Meryem ablas\u0131na da uyum sa\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan bana k\u0131s\u0131tlama olmad\u0131 sa\u011f olsun. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu arada ki\u015fisel bir g\u00fczel haber olarak, y\u0131llard\u0131r biriken ve yine Meryem sayesinde iyice artan fazla kilolar\u0131m\u0131 y\u0131l\u0131n ilk yar\u0131s\u0131nda b\u00fcy\u00fck mutlulukla verdim, daha az yiyen, daha fazla hareket eden, daha hafif ve sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 ve esnek bir insan olarak y\u0131la devam ettim. Bu esnekli\u011fe -ve mutlulu\u011fa!- Sel\u00e7uk\u2019ta buldu\u011fum \u015fahane Zuhal hocayla ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015fahane reformer pilates de mutlaka b\u00fcy\u00fck katk\u0131da bulundu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

E tabii bunlar\u0131n ard\u0131ndan gitti\u011fim Camino da harika ge\u00e7mesin mi! Haziran ba\u015f\u0131nda d\u00f6rd\u00fcnc\u00fc kez Frans\u0131z yolunun ba\u015f\u0131ndan, St.Jean-Pied-de-Port\u2019dan ba\u015flarken bir kez daha \u015fimdiye kadarki en uzun rotam\u0131 planlam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, bir kez daha y\u00fcr\u00fcmeye, peregrina olmaya doyamadan d\u00f6nd\u00fcm\u2026 Sonu\u00e7, \u00e7ok tatl\u0131 birka\u00e7 arkada\u015f, birka\u00e7 anlaml\u0131 payla\u015f\u0131m, i\u00e7sel bir iyilik hissi, \u015fahane bir \u00fc\u00e7 hafta ve bir kez daha kendimi yenilmez g\u00fc\u00e7te hissetmem. \u00dcst\u00fcne \u00fcstl\u00fck, bir kez daha Camino programlamay\u0131 da yine iple \u00e7ekiyorum!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu arada hayat\u0131mda bir ba\u015fka cephe a\u00e7\u0131lm\u0131\u015f, Kevin Costner\u2019\u0131n Yellowstone dizisi, Amerikan orta bat\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n ger\u00e7ek \u00e7iftlik ya\u015fam\u0131yla, s\u0131\u011f\u0131rlar\u0131, kovboylar\u0131, m\u00fczikleri, yerli halklar\u0131yla beni \u00e7\u0131lg\u0131nca \u00e7eker olmu\u015ftu. Bir de ne \u00f6\u011freneyim: Amerikan k\u0131rsal\u0131 t\u00fcm yaz rodeolar, \u2018country fair\u2019ler, kasaba konserleri ve fuarlar\u0131yla dolu de\u011fil miymi\u015f! Hemen \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar ba\u015flad\u0131, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho (Famous Potatoes!!) civar\u0131nda bir s\u00fcr\u00fc fuar ve rodeo s\u0131raya dizildi. Fakat \u00e7ok istenen Seattle aya\u011f\u0131na zamanlama uymay\u0131nca program gelecek yaza ertelendi\u2026 Hala heyecanla bekledi\u011fim, m\u00fcthi\u015f bir gezi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte Altaylar opsiyonundan sonra bu se\u00e7enek de ertelenince, bana biraz daha yava\u015f bir yaz program\u0131 kald\u0131. Asl\u0131nda iyi de oldu, ancak yeti\u015fti\u011fimi sonradan fark ediyorum. Alplerden gelen arkada\u015flar civar\u0131m\u0131za yerle\u015fti mesela, onlarla ve yeni Abuhayat kom\u015fular\u0131m\u0131zla vakit ge\u00e7irme f\u0131rsat\u0131m oldu, \u00e7ok zamandan sonra Afrodisias\u2019\u0131 ziyaret etme imkan\u0131m oldu, birka\u00e7 yazl\u0131k, Bodrum ve Dat\u00e7a gezmesi, muhte\u015fem e\u011flendi\u011fimiz, birka\u00e7 g\u00fcn sarho\u015flu\u011fu s\u00fcren bir RC reunion\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tabii B\u00fcnyan her zamanki gibi bulabildi\u011fi kadar bol yer buldu bunlar\u0131n aras\u0131nda: K\u0131\u015f\u0131n \u015eirinceli dostlar\u0131m\u0131 a\u011f\u0131rlad\u0131m, karlar ay\u0131llar keyifler payla\u015ft\u0131k on g\u00fcn. Sonra hi\u00e7 beklemezken mart sonunda ani bir kar dalgas\u0131yla yine Erciyes\u2019te kayak yapabildik. Nerdeyse gizli bir \u015fekilde, Kayseri merkezdeki tarihi bir Ermeni kilisesinde de\u011fi\u015fik bir paskalya yar\u0131s\u0131 ayini izledik. May\u0131s deyince yine bir s\u00fcr\u00fc bebeklerle doldu \u00e7iftli\u011fimiz, kazlar \u00f6rdekler\u2026 E\u015feklerimiz Pedro ve Maria da aram\u0131zda tabii, varl\u0131klar\u0131, an\u0131rmalar\u0131, zararlar\u0131 bile ne\u015fe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

%100 koton iplerden, %100 kad\u0131n eme\u011fiyle harika kro\u015fe \u00f6rt\u00fcler \u00fcretmeye devam ettik sonra. Kayseri merkezde m\u00fczeler gezip, restore edilen inan\u0131lmaz Meryem Ana Kilisesi K\u00fct\u00fcphanesi\u2019ni ke\u015ffettik. Hele bir de p\u00f6\u00e7\u00e7\u00fc – y\u0131l\u0131n ke\u015ffi p\u00f6\u00e7 kebab\u0131 oldu benim cephemde, civara gelen herkes davetlimdir\u2026 Kapadokya Balon Festivali\u2019ne kat\u0131ld\u0131k bir minib\u00fcs dolusu k\u0131z\u0131m\u0131zla ve bir kez daha s\u0131n\u0131rlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 a\u015farak do\u011fan\u0131n kalbinde kendi ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131za kamp yapt\u0131k – tam tepemizde rengarenk balonlarla uyanmak her \u015feye de\u011ferdi. B\u00fcnyan\u2019da yemek davetleri mi vermedik, Develi\u2019de \u00e7iftlik davetlerine mi kat\u0131lmad\u0131k, vadilerde y\u00fcr\u00fcy\u00fc\u015flere mi \u00e7\u0131kmad\u0131k, Gen\u00e7 Bah\u00e7emizde heykel yar\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131, k\u00fclt\u00fcr \u015fenlikleri mi yapmad\u0131k\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte B\u00fcnyan cephesinde de yeterince kendimi memnun edince, g\u00f6n\u00fcl rahatl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla kapa\u011f\u0131 San Sebastian\u2019a att\u0131m t\u00fcm ekim ay\u0131 i\u00e7in. E o da nas\u0131l ge\u00e7sin, \u015fahane ge\u00e7ti tabii (kay\u0131plar\u0131 bir kenara koyarak, onlara bilahare gelece\u011fim). \u201cBenden de\u011ferli kimse yok, can\u0131m kendim!\u201d d\u00fcsturuyla ilerleyen \u2018ben \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131\u2019 \u00e7ok g\u00fczel gitti (buna da bilahare gelece\u011fim). Can\u0131m istedi planlar yapt\u0131m, can\u0131m istedi planlar bozdum, yazd\u0131m \u00e7izdim kendime yeni y\u00f6nler verdim, \u00fc\u015fenmedim gidip gelip defalarla buz gibi denizlere girdim, g\u00f6zl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fc dalgalara severek feda ettim, verilmi\u015f kilolar\u0131 pin\u00e7olara feda etmemek i\u00e7in ko\u015ftum y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcm y\u00fczd\u00fcm, \u015fu bu\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ama sonra ne oldu? Zeytine ge\u00e7 kald\u0131m! Ge\u00e7en y\u0131lla tam ayn\u0131 g\u00fcnlerde toplamaya ba\u015flamam\u0131za ra\u011fmen, mevsim \u015fa\u015fmas\u0131, kurakl\u0131k k\u0131tl\u0131\u011f\u0131 vb derken zeytin kararmaya ve d\u00f6k\u00fclmeye ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bile maalesef. An\u0131nda karar ald\u0131m ki bundan b\u00f6yle hasat mevsimi 15-20 g\u00fcn \u00f6nceye \u00e7ekilecek. Hasad\u0131 yap\u0131p ya\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kar\u0131p g\u00f6nderimlerimizi yapt\u0131k tamam, hemen ard\u0131ndan da az ve kalitesiz zeytin hasad\u0131n\u0131n d\u00fc\u015fk\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131yla bah\u00e7elere bir giri\u015ftim ki, hala \u00e7\u0131kam\u0131yorum\u2026 Bah\u00e7e zenginle\u015ftirme \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmalar\u0131 her f\u0131rsatta devam ediyor, humuslu toprak ta\u015f\u0131ma, fidan dikme, su hendekleri a\u00e7ma, zorunlu budama, k\u0131\u015f sonunda badana, ve daha akl\u0131m\u0131za ne gelirse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte dedi\u011fim gibi, \u00e7ocukluk arkada\u015f\u0131m, karde\u015fimden yak\u0131n\u0131m, akran\u0131m, ne\u015fe, kahkaha, yap\u0131c\u0131l\u0131k dolu, BCZ\u2019nin Burtay\u2019\u0131, kul\u00fcp d\u00f6rtl\u00fcs\u00fcn\u00fcn Sin\u2019i, ortaokuldan bu yana bin tane an\u0131m olan Sinem ekimde esas aleme g\u00f6\u00e7t\u00fc gitti. Biliyorduk gidece\u011fini, hele ben en a\u015f\u0131r\u0131 ger\u00e7ek\u00e7i, en net bakan ki\u015fi olarak hi\u00e7 kendimi kand\u0131rmadan \u00e7ok iyi biliyordum, ama \u00e7ok a\u011f\u0131r geldi. \u00c7ok a\u011f\u0131r ge\u00e7ti, a\u011fustosta son d\u00f6nemece girdi\u011fini anlamam\u0131zdan sonraki \u00fc\u00e7 ay. Elbette t\u00fcm yak\u0131nlar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 kaybetmek g\u00fc\u00e7, ama misal bizden \u00f6nceki neslin bizden \u00f6nce \u00f6lece\u011fini do\u011fdu\u011fumuz andan itibaren biliyoruz. Bir akran\u0131, bir arkada\u015f\u0131, hele gen\u00e7 ya\u015fta, hele g\u00f6z g\u00f6re g\u00f6re, ad\u0131m ad\u0131m \u00f6l\u00fcrken izlemek zorunda kalmak, a\u011f\u0131r oldu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sinem\u2019den birka\u00e7 ay \u00f6nce yine uzun bir m\u00fccadelenin sonunda sevgili Ertan bey de aram\u0131zdan ayr\u0131lm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Aile dostumuz, mali m\u00fc\u015favirimiz, parlak, keyifli, n\u00fcktedan, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131 insana iyilik veren Ertan beyin yoklu\u011funu da \u00e7ok hissettim, hissediyorum. Uzak olsam da \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fim, \u00e7ok takdir etti\u011fim, yine aile dostumuz ve yine parlak, ne\u015feli, g\u00fczel insan Zeynep Erkunt da yaz\u0131n gen\u00e7 ya\u015fta gitti. Allah hepsine rahmet eylesin, bu d\u00fcnyadaki ne\u015feleriyle \u00f6d\u00fcllendirsin onlar\u0131. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte bunlar aras\u0131nda, ben pek de al\u0131\u015f\u0131k olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m tuhaf ruh halimle bu kay\u0131plar\u0131, \u00f6zellikle Sinem\u2019in durumunu ya\u015farken aa, bir bakt\u0131m ad\u0131m ad\u0131m hayat\u0131mdan g\u00f6n\u00fcll\u00fc gidenler var\u2026 \u00c7ok \u015fa\u015f\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u015feyler oldu yak\u0131nlar\u0131mda, her an her durumda m\u00fckemmel davranmam\u0131 bekleyenler, ruhumun s\u0131k\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131 ve deste\u011fe ihtiya\u00e7 duymam\u0131 bana yak\u0131\u015ft\u0131rmayanlar, sadece ben verdi\u011fim zaman, yani arad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, sordu\u011fum, \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131m, kutlad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, hayat\u0131n\u0131 takip etti\u011fim zaman varl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 kabul edenler, %100 do\u011fru olmayan bir s\u00f6z\u00fcm\u00fc, bir se\u00e7imimi, bir hareketimi asla sindiremeyenler\u2026 O kadar ki hala \u015fa\u015fk\u0131n\u0131m, hala \u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcm, zaman zaman hala k\u0131zg\u0131n\u0131m. Ancak yaralar\u0131m\u0131 yalad\u0131ktan sonra anl\u0131yorum, anlad\u0131m ki evet, hayat\u0131m\u0131n biraz bo\u015flu\u011fa ihtiyac\u0131 var\/m\u0131\u015f. Daha az insan, daha az payla\u015fma, daha az sosyallik, plan, program\u2026 Sonu\u00e7ta -bunu okuyanlar ne kadar fark\u0131nda bilmiyorum- 50 y\u0131l toplumun uygun g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc d\u0131\u015fad\u00f6n\u00fck rol\u00fcne uymaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan bir i\u00e7ed\u00f6n\u00fckten bahsediyoruz. Daha do\u011fama uygun ya\u015famam\u0131n zaman\u0131 imi\u015f demek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte b\u00f6yle oldu ge\u00e7ti, \u00e7ok da bunalmayal\u0131m yani ama Candan\u2019\u0131n da k\u00f6t\u00fc zamanlar\u0131, k\u00f6t\u00fc durumlar\u0131 olabiliyormu\u015f (s\u00fcrpriizz!) onu bilelim, bir kenara koyal\u0131m. B\u00fcnyan\u2019da birka\u00e7 k\u00f6pe\u011fim ayr\u0131ld\u0131 bu y\u0131l i\u00e7inde aram\u0131zdan, \u00e7ok k\u0131demli, \u00e7ok kocaman kalpli, \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fim k\u00f6peklerdi. \u00d6te yandan birka\u00e7 sanat eseri kat\u0131ld\u0131 B\u00fcnyan\u2019da aram\u0131za – sanata \u015f\u00fck\u00fcrler olsun, bizi a\u00e7an, geni\u015fleten, hafifleten, olas\u0131l\u0131klar\u0131 g\u00f6steren. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu arada korona ne oldu korona diye sorsak?! B\u00fcy\u00fck sanayi ve b\u00fcy\u00fck devletler hala bir gayret a\u015f\u0131 dozlar\u0131 kakalamaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131rken (6 ayl\u0131k bebeklerden dahi s\u00f6z ediyorlar, el insaf!) a\u015f\u0131 etkilerinden somut \u015fekilde mustarip olanlar\u0131n artt\u0131\u011f\u0131, misal Afrika ve Hindistan\u2019da hastal\u0131\u011f\u0131n nas\u0131l olup silindi\u011finin anla\u015f\u0131lmad\u0131\u011f\u0131, sadece iki doz a\u015f\u0131 olup \u00e7\u0131lg\u0131nca gezen ve \u00f6nlemleri y\u0131l\u0131n ba\u015f\u0131nda b\u0131rakan benim hala \u00e7ok \u015f\u00fck\u00fcr \u2018covirgin<\/em>\u2019 oldu\u011fum gibi bilgiler baki\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neticede d\u00fcnyada ayn\u0131 b.k, ba\u015fka g\u00fcn! Y\u0131l\u0131n son ayn\u0131(!) g\u00fcnlerinde, psikanalist Winnicott\u2019un \u00e7o\u011fumuzun bu \u00e7a\u011fdaki hedefini tan\u0131mlamas\u0131 gereken \u201cvarolmaya devam etmek\u201d ifadesine, bir de Kerouac\u2019in neden bu kadar kal\u0131c\u0131 bir yazar oldu\u011funu anlamama yard\u0131mc\u0131 olan d\u00fcnya g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015f\u00fcne denk geldim: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have lots of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so don’t worry. It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born. The world you see is just a movie in your mind. Rocks don\u2019t see it. Bless and sit down. Forgive and forget. Practice kindness all day to everybody and you will realize you\u2019re already in heaven now. That\u2019s the story. That\u2019s the message. Nobody understands it, nobody listens, they\u2019re all running around like chickens with heads cut off. I will try to teach it but it will be in vain, s\u2019why I\u2019ll end up in a shack praying and being cool and singing by my woodstove making pancakes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sonra yine Rilke hi\u00e7 beklenmeyen bir yerden girdi lafa: \u201c(\u2026) \u015eu anda soruyu ya\u015faman gerekir. Daha ileride, belki fark\u0131na bile varmadan, g\u00fcn\u00fcn birinde kendini cevab\u0131 ya\u015farken bulacaks\u0131n.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ben y\u0131la nas\u0131l ba\u015flad\u0131m ve nas\u0131l bitirdim dersem: Ben daha ben\u2019im art\u0131k\u2026 2023 y\u0131l\u0131 i\u00e7in de\u011fi\u015fim karar\u0131 falan vermiyorum; \u015fahane bir de\u011fi\u015fim ba\u015flad\u0131, ba\u015flam\u0131\u015f \u00e7oktan. Eyl\u00fcl ay\u0131nda, ben \u00e7evremde olabilecek b\u00fct\u00fcn y\u00fckleri g\u00f6n\u00fcll\u00fc olarak y\u00fcklenmi\u015fken, fiziksel hi\u00e7bir a\u00e7\u0131klamas\u0131 olmadan anla\u015f\u0131lamayan bir nedenle(!) kilitlenen belim ve sabaha kadar oturup ac\u0131 i\u00e7inde yata\u011f\u0131mda yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131m manifesto beni uyand\u0131rd\u0131 sonunda. O s\u0131rada ba\u015flad\u0131 bu de\u011fi\u015fim, evrene t\u00fcm y\u00fcklerimden feragat etti\u011fimi ve \u00f6nce benim geldi\u011fimi beyan etmemle birlikte. Kendimi her zaman, her durumda \u00f6ncelikli alma karar\u0131mdan zerre kadar taviz verme iste\u011fi ve ihtiyac\u0131 duymadan, her \u015fekilde \u00f6nce benim iyi olmam gerekti\u011fine can\u0131 g\u00f6n\u00fclden inanarak, bunu dile getirmeye ve savunmaya bile gerek duymadan, bunu kabul etmeyen herkesi geride b\u0131rak\u0131p yoluma devam etmem bana \u00e7ok b\u00fcy\u00fck mutluluk ve umut verdi. Hala veriyor. \u015eimdiye kadar s\u0131k\u0131 s\u0131k\u0131ya tutundu\u011fum, \u2018ba\u015fkalar\u0131n\u0131 memnun etme, onlara uyma, onlar\u0131n beklentilerini kar\u015f\u0131lama, onlar\u0131 etkileme, onlar\u0131 \u00f6ncelikli tutma, onlara hay\u0131r demekten ka\u00e7\u0131nma\u2019 gibi zehirli davran\u0131\u015flar\u0131 b\u0131rakabilmek beni \u00f6yle b\u00fcy\u00fck bir zafer hissine gark ediyor ki, anlatmam zor. \u0130\u015fte bu y\u00fczden, bu insanl\u0131k i\u00e7in k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck ama benim i\u00e7in dev ad\u0131m sayesinde bu kadar mutluyum 2022 biterken. \u00c7ok \u015fey azald\u0131, \u00e7ok insan azald\u0131 hayat\u0131mdan, ama kendime hak etti\u011fim gibi davranmaya ba\u015flad\u0131m i\u015fte, alleluya!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu g\u00fczel de\u011fi\u015fimin devam\u0131na ek olarak di\u011fer 2023 kararlar\u0131m\u0131, niyetlerimi ve hayallerimi bir araya toplarsak: Venedik Karnaval\u0131, Bali\u2019de bir ay okuma yazma, Vah\u015fi Bat\u0131\u2019da rodeo, yine bir Camino – hem de belki kadim arkada\u015flarla de\u011fi\u015fik bir sefer bu sefer\u2026 Araya bir yere bir motor gezisi girmeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor (hep motorla gezmek istedi\u011fim Balkanlar umar\u0131m, veya Toscana?!) Zeytin mevsimi \u00f6ncesinde \u00e7ok daha fazla haz\u0131rl\u0131k yapaca\u011f\u0131m bu y\u0131l ve zeytinin ba\u015f\u0131nda durup bekleyece\u011fim olgunla\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131. B\u00fcnyan\u2019da da kim bilir neler olacak, yeni ekimler dikimler, yeni do\u011fa ile ya\u015fam at\u00f6lyeleri, yeni do\u011fal malzemeyle heykel \u00e7al\u0131\u015ftaylar\u0131, yeni Anadolu gezileri ve kamplar ve payla\u015f\u0131mlar\u2026 K\u00f6yde daha temiz, d\u00fczenli, bak\u0131ml\u0131 bah\u00e7eler ve huzur i\u00e7inde ne\u015feli k\u00f6pekler yeter bana.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hayat\u0131mda neyin daha fazla olmas\u0131n\u0131 arzu ederim 2023\u2019te? Daha fazla s\u00fckunet, huzur, yava\u015f ad\u0131mlar, sindirme, azalma, daha fazla kendimi kabul etme, kendimle mutlu olma, kendimi onaylama, kendimi takdir etme, bula\u015f\u0131c\u0131, zehirli, y\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 her \u015feyle -insanlar, d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler, haberler, ak\u0131mlar- daha fazla mesafe\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y\u0131l\u0131n \u015fubat\u0131na kadar gelmi\u015fken, yeni duydu\u011fum yazar \u015eule G\u00fcrb\u00fcz de tam bug\u00fcnlerime, bu arzular\u0131ma denk d\u00fc\u015fen bir \u015feyler yazm\u0131\u015f: \u201cBu k\u0131\u015f duruyorum. Ge\u00e7en k\u0131\u015f yine duruyordum. B\u00f6ylece k\u0131\u015flar\u0131 yapacak \u00e7ok i\u015fim oluyor. Sanki ge\u00e7miyor da, eskitiyorum. Durdu\u011fu yerde\u2026 Her \u015fey, oldu\u011fu yerde.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hadi dar\u0131s\u0131 ba\u015f\u0131ma\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(2\/2023)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Evet bir anda geride kald\u0131 ve h\u0131zla 2023\u2019e girdik\u2026 Hala korona izlerini ta\u015f\u0131yor olmas\u0131ndan m\u0131 acaba b\u00f6yle h\u0131zla bir kenara at\u0131l\u0131vermesi? Her halukarda, bir de\u011ferlendirme…<\/p>\n

Devam\u0131 i\u00e7in…Hadi bakal\u0131m 2022\u2019nin izlerine\u2026<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/703"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=703"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/703\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":704,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/703\/revisions\/704"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}