{"id":707,"date":"2023-03-02T09:23:48","date_gmt":"2023-03-02T06:23:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/?p=707"},"modified":"2023-03-02T09:23:50","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T06:23:50","slug":"yikinti-yas-yaralarimiz-ve-yarin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/2023\/03\/02\/yikinti-yas-yaralarimiz-ve-yarin\/","title":{"rendered":"Y\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131, yas, yaralar\u0131m\u0131z ve yar\u0131n"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

If this sadness could not flow out of me, it would kill me.*<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu sabah, \u00fc\u00e7 y\u0131ld\u0131r var olmay\u0131 bekledi\u011fim, var olmay\u0131 hayal etti\u011fim, var olmay\u0131 umdu\u011fum noktada, Bali\u2019nin delice tropikal ormanlar\u0131na ve kutsal Agung da\u011f\u0131na bakarak sincaplar ve yusuf\u00e7uklar aras\u0131nda nihayet yoga yaparken bu sabah fark ettim, ay\u0131rt ettim, idrak ettim, tam tam\u0131na \u00fc\u00e7 hafta ve \u00fc\u00e7 g\u00fcnd\u00fcr bitmeyen, azalmayan, geri \u00e7ekilmeyen safkan bir su\u00e7luluk hissi i\u00e7inde var oldu\u011fumu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These fragments I have shored against my ruins\u2026**<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Onlar m\u0131 daha parampar\u00e7a, ben mi daha y\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131? \u00d6yle bana g\u00f6re olmayan bir his ki bu sabah bir anda idrak etti\u011fim, anlamak zor, anlatmak zor: \u0130stedim ki biri g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 g\u00f6r\u00fcp \u201cNeyin var?\u201d desin, ben de \u201cI am from Turkey and we are all burdened with this immense guilt\u2026\u201d diye d\u00f6kmeye ba\u015flayay\u0131m i\u00e7imdekileri. \u201cImmense guilt\u201d ifadesinin tam kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 arad\u0131m, kar\u015f\u0131lamad\u0131 T\u00fcrk\u00e7e s\u00f6zc\u00fckler. Muazzam bir su\u00e7luluk duygusuyla y\u00fckl\u00fc, diyelim idareten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m her nefesle, a\u011fz\u0131ma att\u0131\u011f\u0131m her lokmayla, bedenimin ac\u0131mayan her noktas\u0131yla, kaybetmedi\u011fim her yak\u0131n\u0131mla, halen var olan her maddi varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mla, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131n \u00fcst\u00fcnde yerinde duran her \u00e7at\u0131yla, so\u011fuktan donmad\u0131\u011f\u0131m her anla, i\u00e7ine s\u0131zabildi\u011fim her uykuyla. G\u00fclebildi\u011fim her espriyle, sar\u0131labildi\u011fim her sevilenle, zevk ald\u0131\u011f\u0131m her g\u00f6r\u00fcnt\u00fc veya koku veya tatla. Her an bir su\u00e7luluk hissi i\u00e7inde ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 ay\u0131rt ettim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He who was living is now dead<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We who were living are now dying<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With a little patience\u2026**<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bu fark\u0131ndal\u0131k Antakyal\u0131 bir tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131n veryans\u0131n\u0131 \u00fczerine k\u0131y\u0131ya vurdu. Onun tam neye veryans\u0131n etti\u011fini kendi kelimelerimle anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015fsam illa ki bir yerde yanl\u0131\u015f olacak, o y\u00fczden bu ifadeyle kals\u0131n \u015fimdilik\u2026 Biz, \u201cdo\u011frudan depremzede\u201d olmayanlar\u0131n \u015fu an nerde durdu\u011funa dair, diyelim veyahut. Belki bir \u015fey yapmak istemenin getirdi\u011fi a\u015f\u0131r\u0131 ve a\u015f\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131c\u0131 gayretke\u015flik. Belki do\u011frudan depremzede olmamam\u0131z sonucu bize yas hakk\u0131 tan\u0131nmamas\u0131n\u0131n kaybolmu\u015flu\u011fu. Ac\u0131y\u0131 payla\u015fma, azaltma, sa\u011faltma \u00e7abas\u0131 – ama bu \u00e7abay\u0131 o ac\u0131yla, o engin kayb\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131na duydu\u011fumuz sayg\u0131yla ba\u011fda\u015ft\u0131ramama. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depremzede kelimesini bile bir \u015fekilde al\u00e7alt\u0131c\u0131 t\u0131n\u0131l\u0131 bulurken, depremden do\u011frudan etkilenenlere ac\u0131ma veya merhamet denilebilecek o sirkemsi duyguya gark olmadan destek olabilmenin zorlu\u011fu. Sonu\u00e7ta \u201cBelden a\u015fa\u011f\u0131m\u0131z ezildi, \u00fc\u00e7er tane Parol ald\u0131k ama art\u0131k dayanam\u0131yoruz, l\u00fctfen kurtars\u0131n bizi ekipler,\u201d diye telefon mesaj\u0131 b\u0131rakarak \u00f6len \u00e7ocuklar benim arkada\u015f\u0131m de\u011fildi. \u00dc\u00e7 evlad\u0131n\u0131n mahsur kald\u0131\u011f\u0131 ama ekiplerin y\u0131k\u0131lmak \u00fczere diye girmedi\u011fi binay\u0131 hayk\u0131rarak kameralara g\u00f6steren kad\u0131n benim kom\u015fum de\u011fildi. G\u00fcnler sonunda enkazdan -belki de kay\u0131p bir uzuvla, belki de hayatta kimsesi kalmam\u0131\u015f halde- kurtar\u0131l\u0131rken kameralar y\u00fczlerine sokulan bebeler, \u00e7ocuklar benim de\u011fildi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130ki baca\u011f\u0131 amp\u00fcte edildikten g\u00fcnler sonra \u00e7ad\u0131rda yerde yatan benim ailem de\u011fil. Kep\u00e7elerle kamyonlara y\u00fcklenip tart\u0131\u015fmal\u0131 yerlere at\u0131lan enkazda \u00e7ocuklar\u0131n\u0131n, annelerinin, sevdiklerinin bedenleri, bedenlerinin par\u00e7alar\u0131 olan, hatta -belki daha ac\u0131s\u0131- bertaraf edilen enkazda say\u0131s\u0131z soru i\u015faretleri olan ben de\u011filim. Ge\u00e7mi\u015fine dair her \u015feyi -insanlar\u0131 dahil- moloz haline gelmi\u015fken yeni yerle\u015fkeler ve D\u00fcnya Bankas\u0131 hibeleri ve helallik istekleri falan gibi konulara midesi bulanarak maruz kalan ben de\u011filim. \u201cYe\u015fil kazakl\u0131 Suriyeli k\u0131z\u201d olarak g\u00f6m\u00fclen k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 arayan ben de\u011filim, ho\u015f belki arayan da yok ya, belki onlar da molozlar\u0131n aras\u0131nda… \u0130\u015fte bu ac\u0131lar\u0131n hi\u00e7biri benim de\u011fil, benim hakk\u0131m var m\u0131 \u015fimdi yas tutmaya? Hakk\u0131m var m\u0131 koyula\u015fan bir h\u00fcz\u00fcn batakl\u0131\u011f\u0131na g\u00f6m\u00fclmeye?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte ben de bu durumday\u0131m. Yapabildi\u011fim tek \u015feyi yap\u0131yorum: Kafam\u0131 kald\u0131r\u0131yorum ve ileriye bak\u0131yorum ve ne yapaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcyorum. Antakyal\u0131 tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131ma dedi\u011fim gibi, \u201c(\u2026) b\u00f6yle korkun\u00e7 \u015feylerin bir daha olmamas\u0131 i\u00e7in ben ne yapabilirim? Ve \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmaya koyuluyorum. Do\u011frudan konuyla ilgili de\u011fil, topraktan… Daha iyi insan yeti\u015ftirmemiz gerek. Daha insanca de\u011ferleri beslememiz gerek. Daha iyi y\u00f6neticiler se\u00e7memiz gerek. Daha insana, do\u011faya sayg\u0131l\u0131 ya\u015famlar kurmam\u0131z gerek. Vs. Benim sistemim buraya y\u00f6nlendiriyor beni. Herkes yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u015fi iyi yapmal\u0131. Herkes lay\u0131k oldu\u011fu i\u015fi yapmal\u0131. Herkes insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131, onuru, sayg\u0131y\u0131, do\u011fruyu kollamal\u0131. En az\u0131ndan ben, yanl\u0131\u015f olabilecek bir tane insan\u0131 do\u011fruya \u00e7evirirsem, o benim katastroflara kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7al\u0131\u015fmam, \u00f6nlemim, \u015fifam\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evet yar\u0131na bak\u0131yorum, kendimi sa\u011flam tutuyorum ki bunlar\u0131 yapabileyim, \u00f6nce bana iyi geleni yap\u0131yorum\u2026 Ama her ne olursa olsun, her nefeste, \u201cburdened with immense guilt\u201d… Mant\u0131kl\u0131 bir \u015fey de\u011fil, mant\u0131k aranacak bir \u015fey de de\u011fil, su\u00e7luluk i\u015fte: Deprem \u00f6ncesinde ne yapm\u0131\u015f olabilirdim? Oldu\u011funda ne yapabilirdim? \u015eimdi, \u015fu anda ne yapsam daha iyi olurdu? Ne yapay\u0131m \u015fimdi? Bunun vicdan\u0131n\u0131 tatmin etmekten \u00f6te, ger\u00e7ek kayb\u0131 olanlar i\u00e7in anlaml\u0131 olmas\u0131 i\u00e7in nerden, nas\u0131l bakay\u0131m? \u201cGer\u00e7ek kay\u0131p\u201d: Benimki yalanc\u0131ktan kay\u0131p m\u0131 yani, bir s\u00fcr\u00fc \u015fehrimizi, y\u00fcz binlerce insan\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 (kendimizi resmi rakamlarla kand\u0131rmayal\u0131m!) kaybetmemiz, bizzat onlar\u0131 tan\u0131mad\u0131k diye, yok olan bizzat bizim an\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z, bizim evimiz, bizim i\u015fyerimiz, bizzat bizim tarihimiz de\u011fil diye kayb\u0131m\u0131z ger\u00e7ek de\u011fil mi? Ac\u0131m\u0131z ger\u00e7ek mi peki? Benim yas tutma hakk\u0131m var m\u0131? Kim kimden daha h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc, kiminki daha hakl\u0131?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0130\u015fte buralarda debeleniyorum bug\u00fcnlerde. Herkes gibi, ben de s\u0131radan, hatal\u0131 bir kulum. \u0130nsanca, insanc\u0131l bir hatal\u0131 kulum -yani \u00e7izgim do\u011fru- ve i\u015fte yine de buralarda debeleniyorum. Belki daha do\u011fru yap\u0131labilecek \u015feyler, daha anlaml\u0131 s\u00f6ylenebilecek \u015feyler, daha iyi gelebilecek \u015feyler vard\u0131r; ben \u015fu an bunu yapabiliyorum. Eminim ki bir\u00e7o\u011fumuz tam bu noktada debeleniyoruz. Antakyal\u0131 tan\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m \u00e7ok hakl\u0131, \u00f6fkeden deliye d\u00f6nmekte, kurtulman\u0131n ne demek oldu\u011funu sorgulamakta, insanl\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 ne zaman yitirdi\u011fimizi sormakta. Birebir kay\u0131p ya\u015fayanlar da i\u015fte oralarda debeleniyorlar, yaral\u0131lar… Muhtemelen onlar\u0131nki \u00e7ok daha uzun s\u00fcrecek. Ama hepimiz, her zaman yaral\u0131 kalaca\u011f\u0131z.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1999 Marmara depreminden sonra hi\u00e7 akl\u0131mdan \u00e7\u0131kmayan, bize k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n g\u00f6m\u00fcl\u00fc oldu\u011fu enkaz\u0131 g\u00f6steren Adapazarl\u0131 baba gibi veya be\u015f \u00e7ocu\u011fundan d\u00f6rd\u00fcn\u00fc kaybeden Amerikal\u0131 anne gibi, bu depremden sonra da \u00fc\u00e7 Parol ile b\u0131rak\u0131lan telefon mesaj\u0131, \u00e7ad\u0131r zemininde yatan amp\u00fcte hasta, ye\u015fil kazakl\u0131 k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131n mezar\u0131 akl\u0131mdan \u00e7\u0131kmayacak. Y\u00fczy\u0131l\u0131n depremleri aras\u0131nda kar\u015f\u0131ma dikilen Haiti depremindeki \u00f6l\u00fc say\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n \u201c100 bin il\u00e2 220 bin\u201d olarak kay\u0131tl\u0131 olmas\u0131, her zaman midemi han\u00e7erleyecek. O belirsiz 120 bin insan\u2026 Bizim enkaz\u0131m\u0131zda ka\u00e7 bin belirsizlik var? \u0130nsanl\u0131k, insanlar nas\u0131l devam ediyor?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sonra, da\u011flara, a\u011fa\u00e7lara bakaca\u011f\u0131z, \u00e7\u00fcnk\u00fc ba\u015fka yerlere bakmam\u0131z gerek. Do\u011faya \u00e7\u0131k\u0131p derin bir nefes alaca\u011f\u0131z. \u201cNothing ever happened, so don\u2019t worry,<\/em>\u201d diyen Jack Kerouac gelecek akl\u0131m\u0131za yerle\u015fecek; onun yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi uzun uzun, aylarca da\u011flara bakaca\u011f\u0131z belki. Belki bu iyi gelecek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future; but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We\u2019ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.***<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sonra? Sonras\u0131n\u0131 bilemem. Herkes kendi ruh yaralar\u0131n\u0131 yalayacak ve herkes kendi maceras\u0131n\u0131 yazacak, g\u00fcnbeg\u00fcn. Ad\u0131m ad\u0131m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Mart 2023)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*bilinmeyen<\/p>\n\n\n\n

**T.S.Eliot, \u00c7orak \u00dclke<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***D.H.Lawrence, Lady Chatterley\u2019in A\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If this sadness could not flow out of me, it would kill me.* Bu sabah, \u00fc\u00e7 y\u0131ld\u0131r var olmay\u0131 bekledi\u011fim, var olmay\u0131 hayal etti\u011fim, var…<\/p>\n

Devam\u0131 i\u00e7in…Y\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131, yas, yaralar\u0131m\u0131z ve yar\u0131n<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=707"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":708,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707\/revisions\/708"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=707"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=707"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.candanturhan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=707"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}